Random thoughts on the movie "Alexander".

a) You never understand what motivated him. So you don't care what happens. So you check your watch. A LOT. You have no sense of the enormity of what Alexander accomplished.

It's like "We go on, we go on, we go on. I have gone further than my father ever dreamed! We go on. YOU defy ME? We go on. Er.. Is that a freaking elephant? Er... We go back. Er... You are my only true love. I die Hephystion".

Cue Anthony Hopkins in a toga and INACTION!

The End

Cue twiddly rather Greekish sounding music - please write a check for 175 million dollars. Do not pass Go, Do not collect any Oscar Nominations.

b) It's slooooooow and also it's very slooooooow. Only two battles - the first is 55 minutes in.

c) You are distracted by everyone speaking in the accent of their choice.

d) Major events are glossed over with simple narration - you want to SEE them. Heck major periods of Alexander's life are just not there.

e) At one point the narrator says something like "this was the biggest mistake he ever made" and all they show are a few guys walking across some sand for about 15 seconds. It's like Oliver Stone baulks at the shear achievements of Alexander - you kind of see the cinematic equivalent of a man running away from his own film.

f) Angelina Jolie is hopelessly miscast.

g) Colin Farrell is completely. mind numbingly miscast.

h) Val Kilmer is beyond hopelessly miscast - he looks like a one-eyed Ghost Of Christmas Past - but without the "Yo Ho Ho Ebeneezer, bless my soul it's old Fezziwig, old Fezziwig, alive!" aspect.

i) The longing goo-goo looks into the best buddy's eyes - not done well.
If you are going to seriously imply something then please Mr.Stone, don't
be holding back.

j) The dialogue is risible - "By the Gods!" and "By Dionysus my boy..." and
"You are the mighty son of Zeus...."

No actor can say these lines and make them believable - especially if delivered in some broad "Oirish" brogue or some slaughtered Russian accent a la Ms.Jolie.

k) Somethings be just too confusing - sometimes they are Greeks, sometimes they are Macedonians who hate the Greeks for paying tribute to King Darius of Persia. Huh?

l) The only pleasing aspect was Rosario Dawson nekkid. But that's a brief scene not worth the other 2 hours and 55 minutes of tedium. And HER accent is.........OFF THE WALL.

m) And when he dies you go, "Phew! It's over!"