As I say, luminous 

Oh Audrey

As it says in the movie, "He slept with his hand on her breast". I saw the movie "A Very Long Engagement" this week. Can there be a more luminous actress that the lovely Audrey Tautou? In this humble correspondent's opinion the answer to that question is "No". She has a quality that lights the screen. You cannot not look at her when she is projected there before you. Such lovely eyes, such a poignant mixture of innocence and strength. This is a movie for grownups - visually arresting and with a story that demands your attention. This is right at the end of the year, one of the best movies I have seen in 2004. It sort of renews my faith that there are movies out there for people over the age of 15. Did I say Audrey is gorgeous? I just wanted to make sure I did.

Let's call this "The Spoiled End of Alexander"

Alexander is wounded in India.

"We are going home!" Hurrah! "You look a bit pastey mate!"
In the midst of all those accents on view ( can accents be
on view?? ), I'm sure there must have been some 'Strine there.

"Babylon will cheer you up. What you need is a good Greek
rogering in a warmer climate than this".

The Hindu Kush is no place for the love that dare not speak its
name. It will look its name though. Often. And very longingly.

They return to Babylon - after we see "the biggest mistake he ever made".
Which was apparently a 15 second crossing of a desert as the "quickest way home". No apparent hardship - no scenes with weary soldiers dropping like flies into the sand.

Meanwhile now back home in Babylon......

Hephystion dies - someone says "Typhus water from India" or something.
- I forgot to mention the sound quality is pretty crapola.
Cue tears...now attack Rosario Dawson because "he is the only one
I ever loved"....."No! No! My Alexander, I have having your son..."

Dum dum duuuuuuuurm!

Next scene our 'manly' hero in bed - looking mighty poorly.
"you are strong my king....you must recover....the kingdom...
....rent asunder if you die..the sattrapies will revolt....
....my liege....I have swallowed what some call a 'dictionary'...
and find an inane desire to say 'sattrap" and its plural over and
over and over again.......".

Some people might replace the word 'dictionary' here with a more
"greek-friendly" word here - like thesorearse.

Cue hallucinations from the banner/fan swinging above his bed.
Oooooh - Metaphor. I've heard of that. See the mighty eagle that
has been his guide in life swing out of the banner and swoop towards
him....filling the whole screen as it comes screaming in and takes his
life - a life bereft - now the lovely Hephystion has bitten the pillow
for the last time.

Reach for the eagle....try to grasp...the...meaning...of...this...
....very bad......movie.

Uuuuuuuuuurhhhhhhhh (death rattle) - arm drops to side of bed and
a now useless bauble - the royal ring ( pfnarr, pfnarr ) given
to him by his "best friend" rolls off the outstretched finger on
his outstretched hand on his outflung arm and doink doink doinky
doink! - it falls, in oh so slow motion, onto the cold stone floor.

Yes. He's finally gone to the overacting school in the sky.

Squabble. Squabble. Squabble. Narration: "The kingdom fell apart...
his mother was murdered.....his wife was murdered....his son...was
....murdered".

Cue Hannibal Lecter - "I became Pharoh of Egypt in the part of
the once great Empire I wrested for myself. He was a Great Man,
Magerium...Alexandrium..........Alexander.....The.......Great"

As in "Great, this movie is really, finally.....over"

Random thoughts on the movie "Alexander".

a) You never understand what motivated him. So you don't care what happens. So you check your watch. A LOT. You have no sense of the enormity of what Alexander accomplished.

It's like "We go on, we go on, we go on. I have gone further than my father ever dreamed! We go on. YOU defy ME? We go on. Er.. Is that a freaking elephant? Er... We go back. Er... You are my only true love. I die Hephystion".

Cue Anthony Hopkins in a toga and INACTION!

The End

Cue twiddly rather Greekish sounding music - please write a check for 175 million dollars. Do not pass Go, Do not collect any Oscar Nominations.

b) It's slooooooow and also it's very slooooooow. Only two battles - the first is 55 minutes in.

c) You are distracted by everyone speaking in the accent of their choice.

d) Major events are glossed over with simple narration - you want to SEE them. Heck major periods of Alexander's life are just not there.

e) At one point the narrator says something like "this was the biggest mistake he ever made" and all they show are a few guys walking across some sand for about 15 seconds. It's like Oliver Stone baulks at the shear achievements of Alexander - you kind of see the cinematic equivalent of a man running away from his own film.

f) Angelina Jolie is hopelessly miscast.

g) Colin Farrell is completely. mind numbingly miscast.

h) Val Kilmer is beyond hopelessly miscast - he looks like a one-eyed Ghost Of Christmas Past - but without the "Yo Ho Ho Ebeneezer, bless my soul it's old Fezziwig, old Fezziwig, alive!" aspect.

i) The longing goo-goo looks into the best buddy's eyes - not done well.
If you are going to seriously imply something then please Mr.Stone, don't
be holding back.

j) The dialogue is risible - "By the Gods!" and "By Dionysus my boy..." and
"You are the mighty son of Zeus...."

No actor can say these lines and make them believable - especially if delivered in some broad "Oirish" brogue or some slaughtered Russian accent a la Ms.Jolie.

k) Somethings be just too confusing - sometimes they are Greeks, sometimes they are Macedonians who hate the Greeks for paying tribute to King Darius of Persia. Huh?

l) The only pleasing aspect was Rosario Dawson nekkid. But that's a brief scene not worth the other 2 hours and 55 minutes of tedium. And HER accent is.........OFF THE WALL.

m) And when he dies you go, "Phew! It's over!"

Well Saturday was a bust

I spent the whole day at work and let's say I accomplished less than I intended. Then I went back home and used the TV clicker for about 5 hours until I came across the Highlander movie with Mario Van Peebles in it.

OK, I know they were ALL excreable after the original - but I had to wait to see the scene with Deborah Kara Unger - you know what I'm talking about.

I'm somewhat disappointed in how her career has gone. She was truly excellent in "The Game" and then, in this blogger's humble opinion, wasted in stuff like "Crash" and Gibson's awful "Payback".

How Mel Gibson thinks he is in any way as cool as Lee Marvin is of course, one of life's true mysteries - along with his acceptance by the Religious Right, given his choice of roles before his besandaled foot was seen in his snuff movie. Can you say "The Man Without A Face" or "Tequila Sunrise"?

Well Jesus forgives I guess. I suppose the reasoning is (a) first make your fortune on any dreck of dubious moral virtue and (b) then find the Lord in the largest most ostenatious way possible.

And so dear reader a new life begins.

I have an ominous feeling that I don't have enough of an interesting life to even attempt to justify making a blog out of it. We shall see, And if I don't have what Michael Stipe might call a "happy shiney existence", I'll try and put on a brave face and simply write something on my pet topics - namely Marillion, Devon, South Florida, James Dobson and the stinkingly putrid 2004 Miami Delphines.