Bolt from the Blue

My favorite ranting "Family Values Radio Station" AM 1040 WLVJ has been sold! Just learned it from Dennis O'Donovan on his "Religion, Politics and the Culture" pro-Catholic daily gabfest. Apparently, from January 1st, it's all over.

So I have rushed to the Interwebs and learned IT IS ALL TRUE! OMG!

In other filings with the FCC, JAMES CRYSTAL ENTERPRISES' JCE LICENSES, L.L.C. is selling Religion WLVJ-A/BOYNTON BEACH, FL to ACTUALIDAD 1040AM LICENSEE, LLC for $2.3 million plus a time brokerage agreement before closing.  The buyer, through parent ACTUALIDAD LICENSEE 1020AM, LLC, owns Ethnic WURN-A (RADIO MEGA)/KENDALL-MIAMI, FL and recently bought the construction permit for WURN-F/KEY LARGO.

So I guess, it is going all Spanish, all the time? OMG. Where am I going to go to hear the biggest charlatans on South Florida radio? Yes, I'm thinking of you, Charles Capps and Brother Stair all through the night.

In some ways I am devastated to think that the object of almost 20 years of my unbridled scorn is no more. But of course on the opposite side of that coin, I'm elated because in the true Sheenian sense of the term, I see this as "winning". The dust clears and who is left standing? ME!

So that's Me: 1  Baby Jesus: 0

But don't worry about me dear readers, my invective can now fully turn to the FM dial where we have WRMB, WAFG and WCNO all on my radar. WCNO is the worst, carrying as it does the uber-charlatan that is Joyce Meyer, but WRMB is up there with one of its "Pastors" describing a woman born as the result of a "rape relationship".

This fight ain't over, though it is round one to me.

Question

Is anyone else out there kind of uneasy that a non-profit 501(c)(3) "ministry" like "Focus On The Family" is trademarking the expression "Helping Families Thrive" (TM)?

For a "ministry" ( and I use that term in the law's loosest sense ), doesn't it seem rather....unseemly?

Sort of "God and Mammon" or "Jesus and the Moneychangers" unseemly?

So I think we should ask Jim Daly (above), what is the true slogan of his company? Perhaps what he really should be using is "Business before Belief" or "Money before Morals" or "Lucre before Love"?

I've got it: "Helping Ourselves To Your Finances".

Really I guess they could change the name of the whole money grubbing organization to "Finance Not Families". Then I guess at least we might see some Truth in Advertising".

But I guess I should not have expected more from the organization with its own the gulag in Colorado Springs because what they have forgotten about Christian charity is more than the world will ever know.

This bugs me 2

What really bugs me about the Herman Cain sexual harassment story is the media's total inability to explain the law. On CNN last night ( 11/04/11 ), on Andersen Cooper's snoozefest, Gloria Borgia and Jeffrey Tubin both said the story would go away because no specific actions of Herman Cain have been identified to say "he did sexual harassment".

Guys, in the case of sexual harassment, the accused DOESN'T HAVE TO PHYSICALLY DO ANYTHING.

This is a law which says harassment happened when the accuser says it happened.

One of the categories of harassment is "hostile workplace". This means the accuser just has to say she felt uncomfortable and the object of their claim has just about no defense in law that will save him.

You don't have to touch, you don't have to speak - all it might take is a photo on your desk of your wife showing just a little cleavage and "bang!", you are done.

Have none of the so called "pundits" on TV had ANY training in their workplaces on sexual harassment? Some companies say to their employees, "No girlfriend pictures on your desk - because it's best to play it safe".

So to try to protect yourself from false allegations, you sit in an office with a desk, a chair and all white walls - and some bimbo will still say "I felt very uncomfortable in Mr X's office. It felt like he was examining me. You know? Like in a doctor's office. It really creeped me out. I thought he was coming over the desk next. With a speculum and a very slow grin. I had to get out of there!" "Bang!" You are guilty again.

So it doesn't matter what Mr Cain did. It doesn't matter if he perceives he did nothing wrong. It doesn't matter whether 99.9999999% of the population thinks he did nothing wrong. Sexual Harassment as a charge rests solely in the eye of the alleged victim. And once a complaint is levelled, you can't get out from under it.

And if you pay to make it go away, it makes you look guilty.

And "no admission of liability" is just weaselly lawyer-speak that no one but lowlife attorneys believe means ANYTHING.

So the media verdict is "this story is going away". And you know what? If you were a regular Joe, your goose right now would be cooked. And your ability to get ANY new job ( let alone the job of President ) would be very difficult.

This bugs me

I've been thinking recently about stuff that bugs me about American politics. And no, it's not about Fox News having no discernible "News" in it or why the cable "news" outlets always interview the same people over and over and over again - no, not the obvious stuff.

What's been bugging me is demonization of political opponents. If you will, the creation of the Political Bogeyman. Or in the case of MSNBC, Political Bogey Brothers.

Rachel Maddow and the lefties at MSNBC do it using the Koch brothers. Fox News and the blowhards of talk radio do it with George Soros. And for the the sake of serious political debate it has really got to stop.

So the Koch bothers have an agenda? What Lassie? They fund astroturfing sites masquerading as grassroots organizations? I'm shocked! Nay, outraged!

But actually, no I'm not. I'm saddened because we can now target individual people and scapegoat them as the cause of our country's, or our own personal misfortunes. "These are the guys. These two guys who are secretly rigging the deck against me". No. They are simply rich people who have a desire to remain that way. And they have influence while I don't? Excuse me while I cry into my Wheaties.

And Fox is no better with Soros. "The Billionaire Socialist" who funds Media Matters? ( Which he doesn't ). They are saying just what Rachel is saying on MSNBC. They are pointing to a citizen who's operating perfectly legitimately within our political system and they are saying to their sheeple "This is the guy who you can legitimately blame for everything bad that's happening to you."

Here's a suggestion for you - When this demonization is next happening on your TV set, replace the name "George Soros" with the word "Jew" or "Koch Brothers" with "Jews" and tell me what the taste in your mouth is.

Because I think it's hate and self pity together and we need to tell the media to cut it out.

Email to Janet Parshall

Dear Janet,

Just when I thought you could never be a bigger schill than you are for the Republican party , you go and prove me wrong with the broadcast of 9/27/11 and the piece about "Christians for A Sustainable Economy" (CASE) and it's founders, Dr. Timothy Dalrymple and Kelly Monroe Kullberg.

Pure politics Janet. These people wouldn't understand the teachings of Christ about the poor if he returned and explained it to them personally.

So Kelly's pushing this ridiculous statement of "Jesus came to remove your financial debts" while at the same time having to reconcile that square peg with the round hole of Jesus saying "the poor will always be with you". Priceless. As with all GOP operatives, irony is completely lost on her.

You often have rabidly religious guests of "the-Lord-spoke-to-me" variety and they are as funny as heck, but Dalrymple and Kullberg are different. They are politicians usurping Jesus' teachings to the GOP agenda.

As I say every time I email you, you excelled your show's low standards once again.

( Janet hosts "In The Market with Janet Parshall", every weekday on Moody Radio )

Bill O'Reilly strikes again

Today on the segment of the O'Reilly Factor where Bill discuses legal cases with his "experts" Liz Wiehl and the brunette bint, they were discussing a case out of Idaho where a man was arrested for shooting a Grizzly Bear on his property.

The consensus was that the case would be thrown out because you can shoot an endangered species when it is a threat to your family. The law specifically allows for that.

Bill O'Reilly then concluded the bit with something that went like this :-

"The people of Idaho are sensible people. The case will be thrown out. Can you imagine what would have happened if he'd done this is California?

"Luckily there are no Grizzly Bears in California that we know".

My immediate thought? "Ever heard of Yellowstone National Park Bill?"

To make take a cheap shot at wacky California, he just made himself look like a complete moron.

But that's O'Reilly for you. Bombast in a very large bag of Irish wind.

Addressing Excessive Folksiness

The time has come to finally address a topic that has been weighing on my mind for the last few months. And that topic is the cloying folksiness of people on Religious Radio.

Now, I'm not going to go for the easy low hanging fruit like Joyce "C'mon I'm preaching good up here" Meyer or the decidedly unbiblical cacklings of Charles "Stay with me here, it will all work out" Capps. No, I want to talk about the people pictured above.

Now, even if like me, you are an avid listener to Focus On The Family, Family Talk and just about anything on Moody Radio, you probably won't recognize either of these people. I'm thinking that you have probably heard them though.

The woman is Carol Barnier and the man is Ron Hutchcraft. The latter is actually a real pastor, but Carol is that most ridiculous of things, she is a "much sought after" Conference Speaker. And to that I have to say "Aren't they all?" Perhaps at first you might think they could not have a whit in common, but actually they share more than first glances might yield.

Let's go with Ron first as he has perhaps a real job. Everyday on Moody Radio after the Janet Parshall comedy show ( "In The Market with Janet Parshall" ), he has a little five minute bit. I don't know what to call it other than a bit. It's not a sermon, it's not a devotional, it's not anything to do with the Bible - it's simply a bit. And should be completely inconsequential, but....

The problem I have is Ron's delivery - always chucklingly folksy, down home and creepy. Like that uncle on who's knee you did not want to sit as a child. It's just skin crawlingly false. And what makes it worse is that, he does it every time. So he's consciously wrapping that clammy arm around your shoulder every day. Why? It is so false feeling, so manipulative, so urgh! This bit makes me feel unclean every weekday at 06:50 PM EST. This man could be the reason why pastors are all portrayed so badly in the movies.

Yes, THAT level of folksy and creepy.

Now Carol is a whole different bag of surprising sameness.

She's frequently to be found on the "Focus On The Family Weekend" radio program, usually dispensing some sound advice to Jim Daly's sheeple on subjects as diverse as kids with ADHD are a "gift", shy children, teaching special needs, and home school leadership. Whatever the frack that last thing is. She is a "Conference Speaker" - so she doesn't have a real job and I guess she lives of the fruits of her husband's labors.

Carol suffers from the excessive folksiness of creepy Uncle Ron to be sure, but she doubles down with a speaking style that cannot decide if she's conversing with a audience of ADHD sufferers or whether she's sharing something slightly risque with her wimmin's Bible study group. "Rest assured I was not always this way". Or "this will produce a perfect outcome for your family. Alas it took me five years to realize this".

The little folksy asides are just patronizing and full of self deprecating faux witticisms - truly you have to hear her to appreciate the level of just sheer godawfulness she brings to the microphone. I guess she's always simply aiming for bonhomie, but she's so far from hitting it all she makes me want to say is "Bon Voyage. And don't come back." Which alas she always does.

Both Ron and Carol are regularly on the radio, patronizing their listeners and doing their schtick and every time I hear them one question comes racing into my mind....

"Why?"

Three Trips to the Movie Theater

This week I had another birthday and took three trips to the movie theater, twice to see movies and once to watch a play from London.

And guess what? As I get older, I find my tastes in entertainment are really changing. I guess I'm finally growing up at the age of 54. Hollywood, is really trying its best to tell me that I am not in the demographic of their idea of a "regular moviegoer".

So what did I see?

The play was "Henry IV Part 1" recorded with a live audience at the Globe Theater in London. And it was simply glorious - funny as all heck, stirring, heroic and wonderful. Roger Allam who played Falstaff was a standout. All bombast and cowardice in equal measure. The comedy was masterfully juxtaposed with the scenes about kingship and honor - Harry Hotspur was all fire and rashness plunging headlong for honor at all costs, while Prince Hal at all times was musing on what it meant to be a king and you could see right into his mind in his response to the pleadings of "Banish not Jack Falstaff" as he visibly took on his royal mantle.

And did I mention it was funny? Gosh, I don't think I will see anything as good on a big screen this year in the laughs department.

I loved this, Loved it.

Alas, then for my next trip to the theater, the movie train crashed into the buffers of mediocrity. I went to see "Cowboys & Aliens".

The best I can say about this movie is that it was OK for a standard American Summer Movie where a lot of stuff blows up. But, alas all the excitement had been marketed right out of it. I think ALL the action scenes had been showing in trailers and TV talk shows. The aliens were goofy. And by the way, what evolutionary purpose is there in having a an anatomy that actually exposes a creature's heart for ease of stabbing? Out hearts are in our chests for a reason people.

The movie was exceptionally linear, with a very poor story. It seemed very formulaic as if the screenplay had been written by committee. James Bond? Check? Indiana Jones? Check? That Hot Chick from House who does girls? Check.

Sorry that's not enough to hold my interest. But one good thing we can say is that, thank goodness this movie wasn't set up for a sequel.

I guess at 54, I am now officially too old for Summer Blockbuster Season.

And then we came to perhaps the Best Movie of 2011, Wayne Wang's "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan".

This movie renewed my faith that there are directors out there making films for someone without acne and raging hormones.

The twin stories are told slowly and with great thoughtfulness. One story is about Nina a hot shot financial executive in Shanghai and her relationship from childhood with her best friend, the more free spirited Sophia. The girls take an oath to be "laotong" which makes them pledged best friends for life after Sophia's snobbish mother banishes Lily from Sophia's side after letting her listen to decadent music.

The two actresses Li Bingbing ( Nina ) and Ji-hyeon ( Sophia ) also play another pair of laotong ( Lily and Snow Flower ) who become fast friends in 19th century China at the time their feet are bound in the hope of making them good wedding matches.

As with the modern women, their fortunes in life over time become reversed because of the financial ruin of one girl's family.

The intertwining of the two stories is handled just wonderfully. Li Bingbing is so good as the laotong who will not let go of her sister even when rejected and pushed away. The final reconciliation of Snow Flower and Lily actually made we cry.

Such a marvellous movie.

Go and see it.

Hurricane Season 2010 in quotes

Well, we are six weeks into the 2011 Hurricane Season, so it is about time to post the quotes I associated with each 2010 storm.

Tropical Storm Alex - June 27th
Then lowering, and pouring,
The storm no more I dread;
Tho' thickening and blackening,
Round my devoted head.

Tropical Storm Bonnie - July 23rd
Tha'rt welcome, little bonny brid,
But should n't ha' come just when tha did;
Toimes are bad.
We're short o' oobbies for eawr Joe,
But that, of course, that' did n't know,
Did that lad?

Tropical Depression Four - August 2nd
They are all gone away,
The House is shut and still,
There is nothing more to say.

Through broken walls and gray,
The winds blow bleak and shrill;
They are all gone away.

Tropical Storm Colin - August 3rd
'Tis not enough that through the cloud thou break,
To dry the rain on my storm-beaten face,
For no man well of such a salve shall speak
That heals the wound and cures not the disgrace.

Tropical Depression Five - August 11th
There's tempest in yon horne'd moon,
Anf lightening in yon cloud;
But hark the music, mariners,
The wind is piping loud!

Tropical Storm Danielle - August 22nd
There is wild water from the north;
The headlands darken in their foam
As with a threat of challenge stubborn earth
Booms at that far wild sea-linecharging home.

Hurricane Danielle - August 23rd
Safe where I cannot die yet,
Safe where hope to lie too,
Safe from the fume and the fret;
You, and you.

Tropical Storm Earl - August 27th
My Lord Tomnoddy's the son of an Earl;
His hair is straight, but his whiskers curl:
His Lordship's forehead is far from wide,
But there's plenty of room fpr the brains inside.

Hurricane Earl - August 29th
Hast thou in keep some higher, calmer biss?
Ah me! It is pleasant to behold the light,
And missing this.

Hurricane Earl - August 30th
Soon he was safe home, dry as could be.
Soon woke the Dormouse - "Good gracious me!"

Tropical Storm Fiona - Auguest 31st
If you are but a mortal maid,
Then I shall make you half afraid.
The water shall be dim and deep,
The silver fish shall lunge and leap,
About you, coward mortal thing.

Tropical Storm Gaston - September 2nd
To day deep thoughts resolve with me to drench
In mirth, that after no repenting drawes;
Let Euclid rest and Archimedes pause,
And what the Swede intend, and what the French.

Tropical Storm Igor - September 8th
A foutre for the world and worldlings base!
I speak of Africa and golden joys.

Hurricane Igor - September 13th
Safe from the frost and the snow,
Safe from the storm and the sun,
Safe where the seeds wait to grow
One by one,
And come back in blow.

Tropical Storm Julia - September 13th
Thus sung they in the English boat
A holy and a cheerful note:
And all the way, yo guide their chime,
With falling oars they kept the time.

Tropical Storm Karl - September 15th
Through the tracery of bamboo plumes against the afterglow,
I saw mystery flicker along the sky-line
And vanish over Yucatan.

Tropical Storm Lisa - September 21st
The water shall be dim and deep,
And silver fish shall lunge and leap
About you, coward mortal thing.

Tropical Storm Matthew - September 25th
The wind passeth over it, and it is gone;
And the place thereof shall know it no more.

Tropical Depression Sixteen - September 28th
In summo periculo timor misericordiam non recipit.
"In extreme danger fear feels no pity"

De loin, c'est quelque chose; et de pres, ce n'est rien
"From a distance it is something; and nearby it is nothing"

Tropical Storm Nicole - September 29th
Ubi explorari vera non possunt, falsa per metum augentur.
"When the truth cannot be clearly made out, what is false is increased through fear"

Tropical Storm Otto - October 7th
Men die, but sorrow never dies;
The crowding years divide in vain,
And the wide world is knit with ties
Of common brotherhood in pain.

Hurricane Paula - October 12th
Undique enim ad inferos tantumdem viae est.
"There are countless roads on all sides to the grave"

Tropical Storm Richard - October 21st
We look though gloom and storm-drift
Beyond the years:
The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.

Is THAT Trial Over Yet?

Zapping the TV channels this weekend, multiple times I hit some screeching harpy saying "the nation has been captivated for the last month by the trial of Casey Anthony". Really? I haven't. The coverage by CNN, Fox et al has been uniformly appalling. And let's not even talk about the withering scorn-filled harridan that is Nancy Grace. The truth is that the 24 hour news channels loved this story and shoved it down the nation's throat and told us we were "fascinated" with its bile-tasting horribleness.

How different would it have been if there was a 30 second spot per day on the TV with the anchor saying something like "The Casey Anthony trial continued today. The defense made more indefensible statements". What do I really gain seeing everything from gavel to gavel? I trust the jury system. So all you need to tell me is that (a) the trial is going on and (b) the result.

I have no need for "experts", no need for panels, no need for Marsha Clark or Mark Fuhrman and Stepford judges and their "analysis". I really don't need Margret Carlson's opinions on Fox. I know what she is going to say before she opens her mouth. Because what comes out is always cliche and platitude.

And really and truly I have no need for Nancy "Tot Mom" Grace.

Why does she still have a TV show after she made that woman kill herself? And yes, tragedy happens to many people Nancy, it doesn't make you special or more caring than the rest of us. And it surely does not mean you have a right to an horrific TV show. I think we should buy Nancy pitchforks for Christmas. She sure as hell will know how to wield them before the mobs she inflames with her fatuous rhetoric.

And the trial? It cannot be first degree murder if the prosecution cannot say how the poor child died.

Ms Anthony is going to be convicted for being a "bad mother" and for dancing.

Just had a great idea!

Let's tax so called "ministries" that have no religious significance.

Organizations with Churches/Temples/Mosques can still be tax exempt. But putting a so called "chapel" on your campus and therefore paying no taxes as a way of dodging the IRS isn't making your company a religion nor a church.

Are you hearing me Jim Daly? "Doctor" Dobson?

Quote of 2011

I heard this on Christian radio ( Mission Network News on Wednesday 5/25/11 ) and this is going to be the quote of the year. I have no doubt.

Here it comes.....

Get ready.....

"Believe it or not, underwear will be a conduit for the gospel."

And they were not even talking about the Catholic Church! Can you believe it?

So sounds like something Father O'Malley would say just before he diddles his latest altar boy.

But this was the host of the Mission Network News broadcast talking about a charity that collects underwear for kids after natural disasters. However, as an expression, this maybe THE DOUBLE ENTENDRE OF 2011.

Cacophonous Bling: Gastronomic Delights 1: Tournedos Rossini

Here's a link to a recipe for the great Tournedos Rossini. Yum yum in the tum.

Cacophonous Bling: Gastronomic Delights 1: Tournedos Rossini

Enjoy.

Taken on my Virgin Mobile

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Sent from my Virgin Mobile

Taken on my Virgin Mobile

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Sent from my Virgin Mobile

So much has happened

Oh boy. So much has happened since I updated the Olde Travails Page, that I feel what's about to come your way is going to be some seemingly random stream of consciousness nonsense that's gonna seriously sound like ranting.

But I guess if rantings what it sounds like, So Be It.

As I sit here, I can hear the Service America guys installing my new A/C unit. Bang! Bang! Bang! - every two minutes on the sticking door handle on my front door.

I hope when they are done that I will be able to exit the house! Still haven't called the handyman to fix that. Or the Window Screens! Aaaaarggghhhhh! Hurricane Season soon. What a procrastinator I am. There you are, I admitted it. Isn't that the First Step to Change? Must ask one of mt tweeters - she keeps posting what seriously sound like her AA steps. Really. Stuff about her "Higher Power". You know the program.

We got Bin Laden. Yay! But people taking to the streets in celebration? Not sure that's really very seemly. But I guess, that's the British Reserve showing through the folds of my flag draped body.

Saw the Morgan Spurlock documentary "Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold", and while it most certainly had things to say that were quite interesting, Chomsky had it right when he told Spurlock "You dip your toe in the water and the next thing you know, you are swimming". So really as soon as he took the money, the movie was to some extent, out of his hands and under the control of the sponsors. Witness Pom shooting down all three of his somewhat innovative ad ideas for a standard attack ad on their competitors. Guess which ad shows in the movie?

So ultimately the movie comes out as a good idea that was of necessity hijacked and softened by the very forces it was exposing.

What else?

Saw the movie "Jane Eyre". Put it immediately on my "Best of 2011" Yahoo! Movies list.

The horror of the Summer Comic Book and Sequel Bloat has started at the movie theaters. "Fast Five" took a sh*tload of money and so did "Thor" on their respective opening weekends. The US movie industry is doomed unless it can break out of this cycle of endless nonsense.

I gave up on these movies perhaps 5 years ago. The rest of humanity will do so eventually.

Season Ticket for the Dolphins has been purchased - still no guarantee of a season. Next up, 24 tickets for SteveFest 2011.

Newt Gingrich is running for President. He has no chance of the Republican nomination. But all the "Committing Adultery while Impeaching Clinton" stories should at least keep the campaigning fun. Plus Rick with a silent "P" Santorum is running. We should start a a pool to try and guess when the first mainstream journalist will say "Man on Dog". Hehehe.

And finally, I have three words that need to be said, nay they need to be SHOUTED from the rooftops :-

"Zombie Strippers 2".

Please don't clap

We seem to have developed a habit of clapping at let's say, inoppurtune times.

You really should not be clapping :-

1. In Church - It's a SERMON not a SPEECH. Unless you are listening to John "Fat Man" Hagee.

2. When someone introduces you on a TV show - See Chelsea Handler's nightly panel.

3. When watching a comedian - You are supposed to be laughing - applause can so easily be patronizing condescension.

2011 Shaping Up As a Bad Bad Year 4 Movies

Thanks to the 2011 preview edition of Empire magazine, here is a list of the movies I will be seriously avoiding this year. The usual rules apply, No Sequels, Remakes, Comic Books and adaptations of old TV Shows.

Originality is all I crave.

So here goes:-

Transformers - Dark Of The Moon
Pirates Of The Carribean - On Stranger Tides
Captain America
Thor
The Green Lantern
X-Men - First Class
Conan The Ballbearing
Spy Kids 4
Footloose
The Hangover Part 2
Arthur
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 2
Sherlock Holmes 2
The Three Musketeers
Straw Dogs
Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol
The Thing
Twilight - Breaking Dawn Part 1
Scream 4
Final Destination 5
Paranormal Activity 3
Kung Fu Panda 2
Cars 2
Happy Feet 2 in 3D
Fright Night
Piranha 3DD

And finally there's "Jack and Jill" where Adam Sandler plays his own twin sister!

Is it me or is this list even longer than the one from last year?

And they are remaking Straw Dogs? Peckinpah must be spinning in his tequilla bottle.

Stories that make you go "Huh?"

Every so often, you come across a story on the Interwebs that make you come up short and do one of those Lewis Black style double takes.

This week such a story was the one that said people in the Britain rank 15th in the world for yearly alcohol consumption. Yay! Go Team UK! The Old Country is still good at something after all.

So this ranking of 15th corresponds to a yearly intake of 13.4 litres of pure alcohol per person. Or over 445 pints of strong beer or large glasses of wine. In contrast, Britain's wimpy European neighbors can only pull a lowly 12.2 liters per person.

But then the story gets kind of surreal.

If you discount teetotalers and only put the drinking on the drinkers, the consumption rate in the UK jumps to 15.6 litres per person. Way to go Blighty! This number corresponds to 9.50 litres per woman and a staggering 21.5 litres per man. Surprisingly, a whole 14.4% of the population in Britain do not drink at all.

Now with these new revised and bigger numbers, you'd really think that Britain would move up from 15th to an even more respectable and higher place in this the World's Table of Serious Boozing Nations....

And guess what? If you think that, you are wronger than wrong.

13.4 litres gives to a ranking of 15th, but 15.6 litres puts you, to quote the article I read, as "out-drunk by about half the countries in the world". The report ranked 193 countries, so 15.6 litres corresponds to a ranking of BELOW 96th !!!

I think that is worth repeating. 13.4 is 15th, 15.6 is below 96th.

Huh? Huh? Huh? Whaaaaa?

The report even said that given these revised figures, Britain is overtaken by countries like Egypt and Iraq. Huh? What The F......?

I guess the action of "normalising for teetotalers" really skews the numbers. Say you have a big Muslim country where almost no one drinks. So 227 million people in Indonesia consume 40 litres of alcohol per year. When you put those 40 litres squarely on the 2 people actually doing the drinking, an initial alcohol consumption rate of of 0.00000018 litres per person becomes 20 litres per person.

Yowzer! Living amongst non-drinkers makes the imbibers go at it even more!

But you have to admit that initially reading 13.4 makes you 15th, you were not expecting that 15.6 litres makes you 97th.

Now it has happened twice!

Twice in my life I have had feelings, I don't want to call them "religious" or to use the weasel word "spiritual" to describe them, but these occasions definitely felt like my life was being guided when they happened.

The first time was of course, the famous -25 metre golf shot. After that happened a thought formed in my mind.

And it was "You do not have to play this stupid game EVER again. You will gain years of life in which to do other things".

And I took that thought and shaped my life around it - not even playing the hateful game when I moved to Florida. A place, let's face it, that might be called "St Andrews of the South".

And I am a better person for having done that.

And now a second instance of such a life changing event has happened.

Yesterday ( February 5th 2011 ), because I cannot play tennis ( "Damn you Tennis Elbow!" ), I decided to get out the bicycle and ride over to see my buddies playing our Saturday morning game. So I got the Raleigh out of the garage and pumped up the tires and took off for the courts which are about 2.5 miles from my house.

I'm tootling along and feeling pretty good, I'm about half way there are then there's a big "BANG!" Oh yes, the back tire just blew itself right off the frame and I had to walk the heavy walk of shame and push the bike back home.

But why is this moment number 2 in my life? Let me explain. As soon as it happened, I thought, "If there is a God, ( and there is not ), this is her telling me to not do this again." Seems to me these thoughts are arising because I'm being guided to stop doing activities that are both (a) mind numbingly repetitive and (b) as boring as an freaking awl.

So guess what? Bicycling is now out of my life and I am now free of participating in this most ridiculously pointless activity.

Free! Free!